If it ever comes down to it

Which feels like soon. Coming down to it. Nothing left. Nothing to lose. Completely and totally marginalized and crushed by society despite whatever fruitless attempts. I will begin to take out people before deciding to end my life. I'll start off with the obese roommate who looks as though he has down syndrome. He has sleep apnea and I can't sleep with his fat breathing. I will stab him in the neck and make my move from that point. I will find someone and stuff their body in the trunk of their car as I steal it from them. I will make my way to SF and begin to kill the people who forced me out into the street despite my herniated disc and the immense pain I was suffering. I will take them out one by one as a ghost. Nobody notices me anyways and I'm quite smart not to get caught at that point. After that, I will move north and kill my father, and, hopefully. If they are around. The rest of his family. It's all I ever really think about these days. No passion to look forward to the future. No job prospects. No love. Just dying day after day losing everything I built up with no escapes. Those final moments, if they ever came to be, would be the happiest I felt in years. I have nothing to fear. Certainly not death. So this is something to look forward to.

Sinking Feelings

It's hard, as a male, to admit weakness. You're expected to be strong, to take command of the situation and be at ease amongst adversity. To slip away when feeling overwhelmed in order to heal. To ask for the affirmation of loved ones and be content with the future despite whatever challenges it may bring.


I have none of that. I don't have a supportive family. I don't have much of a social network to rely upon. I'm still new to living in a large city and unless you're part of the established top end of the social hierarchy you will find what humanity and survival is at it's very core. Every dream, hope, feeling, any sense of pride... It's all stripped away as you are clinically reduced and marginalized to the level of an animal with only your breath and basic needs as a survival mechanism. Breathe, don't internalize anything that isn't a basic suvival mechanism. To do so will only cause you to question the complete total meaningless of everything. Nerves, don't allow them to get to you. Just breath and question absolutely nothing.